How to cope with the loss of a child and grief over the holidays
We know this time of year can be so hard for so many families. While there is much to be thankful for and many happy moments, for some, this time is overshadowed by the harsh reality of not having your baby or child with you to celebrate Christmas. We have many families who have recently had a loss - for others the loss may be years ago but the grief is still very present. Grief looks very different in everyone. We reached out to a local professional counselor in Little Rock for advice on how to cope with the loss of a child and grief over the holidays. We hope her message gives you comfort in knowing there is not a right or wrong way to grieve. We wish you and your family a blessed Christmas!
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How to cope with the loss of a child and grief over the holidays
Cindy Winar, MS, LPC
This time of year can be so overwhelming and heartbreaking when you are in grief. The holidays are especially difficult for families that have lost a child either through a miscarriage, stillborn birth or infant mortality. The holidays are often about remembrance, love and joyfulness. The emphasis on family and celebrating can often be too much to bear for those grieving. Watching others celebrate can be very painful and often a reminder of loss. Even if memories have not been made most families when pregnant imagine and plan for the holidays when the baby is here. This can be especially hard to cope with.
If you are coping with the loss of a child over the holidays, please remember to allow yourself to feel all the range of emotions. You are allowed to feel sadness, anger, resentment and joy all at the same time. These feelings are all normal!
1.Talk about your sadness. Do not worry about “bringing others down”. Your family and friends want to be able to support you and often that is allowing you to talk to them about your sadness and hurt. It is really important that you gravitate towards people who can handle your feelings and that you feel safe with around this time. Try to identify one person that you know you can lean on during this time. Often partners can respond differently and this can make one partner feel lonely during this time, it is ok if the person you are leaning on is not your partner. Sometimes, support groups can be helpful during this time and knowing that you have a group online can be a safe outlet. Dealing with perinatal loss with others who "get it" can be really validating.
2.Create boundaries with your time. If you need to take time for you, do it. Allow others to help when offered. You need to have time to grieve. If you have other children please let family and friends help. Set realistic expectations for the holidays. Remember no one expects you to do it all. It’s also okay to say no to a party or get together but try not to avoid all holiday gatherings. It’s important to be surrounded by those that care about you. As far as boundaries go, if you are worried about attending events and keeping it together, always have a "plan b". You are not trapped into any plans and you can always choose to skip something and take care of yourself if you need to. You don't need to explain this to anyone. Trust yourself and what you need and try not to worry about meeting the expectations of others during this time.
3.Practice regular self-care (take a walk with a friend, journal, do something fun you enjoy and take time for yourself and rest). Feel free to treat yourself as well during this time. It’s okay to still do things you enjoy doing.
4.Family and friends often struggle with how they can help when a loved one is grieving the loss of a child. The best thing you can do is allow them to talk about their loss, listen to them and offer help. Do not ask what they need as often people in the throws of sadness do not know what they need. Offer to make dinner, buy groceries, wrap gifts, etc. Most importantly allow their grief into your home over the holidays and embrace it. It is there and will not go away because you or they want it to.
The most important thing to remember is there is no right or wrong way to celebrate the holiday season after a loss. The best coping mechanism is to plan ahead, get support from others and take it easy.
Cindy Winar, MS, LPC
