Comparing Grief
By Kathryn McMillian/ Clinical Social Worker/ Therapist
It has finally happened- you are in a group with others who have had loss. Or a friend suggested that you meet someone for coffee, because she has had a similar reason to grieve. However it happens, you are finally getting to connect with someone who might understand what you are experiencing and won’t give you an odd “look” when you start detailing your loss and grief.
You participate and connect, although it is hard but you hear powerful stories from others and you don’t feel so alone in your grief. And then, even though you should be listening you start doubting yourself and your grief, your pain. Is it right? Is your reason for grieving as bad as her reason for grieving? Whose is worse? Was she pregnant longer? Did she have as many miscarriages as I did? Who wins the grief contest? NO ONE wins the grief contest. It is a terrible contest.
Why do we compare ourselves to others and their grief process? No one does grief “well” or “perfectly”- it is a messy, unpredictable, heart wrenching, suffocating process. I do believe we compare our grieving to others because we are still trying to learn how to be- how to connect to others through it.
Not a single person’s grief will look the same- everyone comes to it with different life experiences. When you are in what Martha Linehan refers to as “wise mind” (the best of rational mind and emotional mind), you learn from others, you hear others and you care for others. When we are vulnerable, or have had a really bad day or week or month; we aren’t able to recognize others pain, we judge it or invalidate it because we are not able to accept our pain and their pain at that moment.
If you find yourself comparing, see that as a huge red flag. Why am I feeling the need to feel better or worse about my grief? What barrier is keeping me from accepting her reality and my reality at the same time and knowing they are both valid and awful. What do I need to do at this moment to be in “wise mind” or my higher self? If I can’t get it now, could I get whatever I need later?
Slow it down and be easier on yourself- because you matter, and the person you are comparing yourself to matters and we all need each other to get through it.
